Here are some fishing, other and blonde jokes we have collected over the years. We hope you enjoy them, Email us your fishing jokes and we will post. A link is on the bottom of the page. (Yes, there are lots of blonde jokes)
JOKES:
Washing toilet hints: This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the
toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Yours Sincerely, Teddy, the Dog
One dark night outside a small town in Kitchener, a fire started inside the local cookie/cracker plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the cookie/cracker plant company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas for Breton and Vinta are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful cookie/cracker plant company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 74-year-old fire chief,
“Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!”
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question”.
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln”. The teacher said, “That’s right Susie. You can go”. Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King”. The teacher said, “That’s right Mary. You can go”. Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy”. The teacher said, “That’s right Nancy. You can go”. Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut”.
The teacher asked, “WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny said, “TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?”
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????”
T-SHIRT
A blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
‘Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God It’s Friday’ tee-shirt on Monday?’
‘Oh crap!’ the blonde says. ‘I didn’t realize it was a religious
T-shirt. I thought it meant ‘Tits Go In Front.”
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”
The following is a Safety Warning
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each – I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.
I finally got around to going fishing this mornin but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me
to take leave..
I thought that maybe if I acted “Crazy”then he would tell me to take a few days
off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might
think I was “Crazy” and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name
of good GOD are you doing?”
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, “You are clearly stressed out.” Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days.”
I jumped down and walked out of the office….
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
“…And where do you think you’re going?!”
(You’re gonna love this….)
She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark..”
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said: “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people
aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”
“Oh those” Satan groaned: “They’re all from Southern Ontario . They’re still too cold and too wet to burn.”
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32F Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9? C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg
Canadian Angling.com members start ice fishing with gloves and toques
-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs finally win the Stanley Cup again (but at least we have won it before, right Canucks?).
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered Ole’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
Sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she felt quite smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of Ole’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and the blonde could continue if she wanted … but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian Tire next.
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, ‘I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.’
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So, THAT’S the girl I want!’
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’
He said, ‘Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he’ll jump her bones, and he’ll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease…and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A. President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove , Newfoundland , Canada eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” George replied, “This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
George paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!” Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lard T’underin’ bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jumpins,” said Archie, “ll have ta call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said George. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
VANCOUVER ISLAND DECLARES CIVIL EMERGENCY
For all you non-Islanders, we have had 35cm of snow in the past week.
The snow is not an issue for most of us, but it fell on the golf courses too which is a very serious problem.
The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather conditions on Vancouver Island (BC)
6:22 AM – Temperature plunges to -5.3 C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape it off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious “defrost” switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.
9:30 AM – Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets, and boogie boards.
10:00 AM – Golfers at Qualicum’s Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf carts in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.
Noon – Elementary schools call in grief counsellors . Grief counsellors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres).
2:30 PM – Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2-wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked “what’s four wheel,drive?”
2:50 PM – Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads “Mainland cut off from Civilization”
3:00 PM Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies “foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008″
3:10 PM Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence, asking for assistance from Canada’s DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.
3:30 PM B C Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter.
4:15 PM Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.
5:40 PM TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably, tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS
Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu. 6:00 PM The sidewalks are rolled up and we retreat to our parlours with our mulled wine
Blonde Joke
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!” Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!” When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,…………”Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in CANADA , and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!!!”
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.
‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.
‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.
‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want beer , lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.
‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.
‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ \But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’
You’re gonna LOVE this…
he third piggy says –
‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Subject Chicken Recipe
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. Imagine that! When I found it, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultryis thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s
Low Fat)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.
This is why I’m a bakery master.
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says ‘Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.’
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing ‘That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!’
Confused, he says, ‘Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is al ways that risk involved.’
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, ‘How many is a Brazilian?’
A Medical warning . . loss of appetite . .
A woman asks her husband, ‘Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?’
He declines. ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,’ he says. ‘It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . ‘a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?’
He declines. ‘The Viagra,’ he says, ‘really trashes my desire for food.’
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. ‘Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?’
He declines again . . . . ‘No,’ he says, ‘it’s got to be the Viagra . . . .
I’m still not hungry.’ . . . . .
‘Well,’ she says, ‘Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.’
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to
cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to
ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn’t about me…….
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he
must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road.. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not
taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going
to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road. Can I be your booo?
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY PELOSI:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’
That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like
‘the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road.
It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to
the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…..#@&&^(C%mailto:cra…#@&’(C% …………..reboot.
Wayne Sheridan (canadianangling.com): Can you fish for chicken? Is the fishing better on the other side of the road?
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?
Canadian humor
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.
If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada
If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada
If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km — you’re going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees ‘a little chilly’, you may live in Canada
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.
‘Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident – I’m fine?’ asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow Bessie into the……’
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question please. Did you, or did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!!?’
Clyde said, ‘Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….’
The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the OPP officer on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.’
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer went through the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and I didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning and I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, an OPP officer came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the OPP officer came across the road , gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
Now tell me, what the?hell would you say??
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied.
“It’s not polite.”
“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are
really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her
friend.
“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”
Later that night t he little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you
are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly,”I know why you and daddy got a
divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get
$20,” she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union
man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.”
The man asked, “And if I
pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to
a stunningly attractive blonde.
“I’d like her,” he said.
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old
woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she’s next.”
With age comes wisdom.
A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.” He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?” The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride”The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! “Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish. Just one wish…each person is only allowed one!” The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
“No shit!!” says the man, “do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck, get away from me.”
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a
letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He’s really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, & hopes she won’t notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . .it
makes your nose look too short!
Love, Grandma
Labour Pain Machine
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the babies father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.
The instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going
smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.
Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.
The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walkingout of the wreckage.
“What happened?” the Instructor asked, “All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?”
Well,” began the blonde, “The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan.”
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels…..Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours ….. power went out!!!
May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water
won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..car swamped because
soft-top was open.
September – The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!
December – Couldn’t call 9-11 …. “duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button
on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
STUN GUN
Pocket Taser Stun Gun. Last weekend I saw something at Louie’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my kitten Wildfire looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Wildfire (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet white kitten. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “No possible
way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Wildfire looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.
I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to her self, “do it again, do it again!” Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser,one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hello!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles…. I’m offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock,
brntrout
Wonder if it can be used for fishing too, hmmm
A small West Virginia zoo had received a new, very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, and because of its rarity, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck, part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition:
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
“First,” he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.”
The Keeper readily agreed to this condition.
“Second,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Third”, Bobby Lee said, “I want the young’uns raised up Southern Baptist.”
Once again, the Keeper agreed.
“And last of all,” Bobby Lee stated, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00″.
The Uppper Saugeen Habitat Restoration Association is a group of volunteers, working on restoring the Upper Saugeen River. Thank you for your support.
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